Hurts So Good

The other day I went with my dad out to a piece of property that he owns, 4 acres of trees and brambles. We walked around it, hacking our way through the brush, him telling me stories about when he did this there or that here. He imparted some wisdom to me, and we had a good time. I was sore afterwords, as he probably was, and a little bit bloody from blackberry attacks, but it was good. This is a rare thing in our relationship. Tomorrow I am going to go out there again and hack away for a little bit, and I know, strange as it is, that in the land I will feel closer to my dad. I know that on Sunday I am going to be so sore that I probably won't want to move, but I will appreaciate every ache.

My dad and I have a tenuous relationship. We don't always get along, but when we do I genuinely have a good time with him and I genuinely feel a kinship, in the truest sense of the word. But the thing is, we have to work so hard to get to that spot. While I wish it weren't that way, I am beginning to accept it for what it is. Growth comes through suffering, this is one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned; it never comes easy. So too I think is the truth that the really good stuff always hurts at first, or maybe just at some point. Nothing worth having comes easy, cliche but true.

I suppose I didn't really have much to say, I just felt like letting some if this out.

Still Around

It's been just over 5 months since I've been here; I was afraidI forgot the password. It's easy to let things like this slide when there are so many other things happening. I plan on writing, and then something happens and I think that waiting one more day won't matter, and one more day turns into a week which turns into a month which turns into a, well, at least I'm sure that I didn't leave a gaping hole in anyone's life other than mine.

Things are changing.....

Some things have gotten bad, so bad, so very bad. Some things are getting better, but it's happening so slowly. And some things just aren't moving at all.

It's time to reconcile some things, it's time to end others. I'm so unsure, but I am becoming more sure with every word I write (well, type).

Things are going to change, I can't stop it......

I hope this works.

I've Gone Mental

So I’m not feeling overly creative today, so I am stealing stuff from other people and posting it here as my own (except that I just told you it wasn’t my own). I did, however, make several tweaks to the two things below. The first I tweaked so it would fit my context better, and the second one I tweaked because it was one NASTY rant, but illustrative of my point none-the-less.

How you KNOW I work in the mental health field:

You dream of a $35,000 a year salary, because that’s when you’ll know you’re 'really making it'.

You know all the latest lingo for drugs, where to get them, and how much they cost.

You start every sentence with 'So what I hear you saying is...'

You’ve had 2 or more jobs at one time just to pay the bills.

You tell people what you do and they say 'that's so noble' Except for clients, who think you just want their money (ha!).

You know a man who once held his penis in his hand, because he didn’t want it attached to anything else (and this seems perfectly reasonable to him).

You write ‘masturbation contracts’ for those that still have it attached.

You use the words 'validate,' 'appropriate' and 'intervention' daily.

You spend more than half your day documenting and doing paperwork.

You think nothing of discussing child abuse and the various used of poop over dinner.

People have said to you 'I don't know how you do what you do’ (and secretly you wonder the same thing).

You’ve never been on a business trip or had an expense account.

You’re coworkers sometimes rock back a forth and say ‘release me.’

You’re very familiar with the concept of entitlement.

Staying at a job for 2 years is 'a long time'.

Your phone number is unlisted for good reason.

Your professional newsletters always have articles about raising salaries...but you still haven't seen it.

You’re very familiar with the term 'budget cut'.

You can't imagine working at a bank or crunching numbers all day.

You’ve had clients who liked you just a little too much.

Having lunch is a luxury many days.

You’ve been cursed at or threatened...and it doesn't bother you.

Your job orientation has included self defense.

You have the best stories at any party, and some people walk away thinking you’re a liar because nobody could be that crazy or abused.

Your parents don't know half of the stuff that you've dealt with at your job.

You know how to pass any drug test.

You go to court to face off against a client with no judgment and his/her lawyer with no heart and it hurts every time, but you still do it.

Anytime someone’s kid does something weird you hear about it because they want you to fix it.

You’ve looked at another human being and truly wondered if they were, in fact, human.

*******

This I just found online by happenstance the other day. I think it was a Craigslist ‘rant.’ Again, I cleaned it up a bit (a lot). This is really borderline postable, if that’s a word, but really, people need to know:

After years of idealism, I have finally decided that I am sick and tired of helping the disenfranchised and oppressed. I have a master's degree in social work, and I've worked in a number of different settings. I've been a social worker for Children's Protective Services, a therapist on a psych ward, and I've worked as a case manager for a non-profit that shall remain nameless. I've had a number of clients over the years that I would now like to thank for helping me come to the realization that certain people are beyond help. 1) The mother and father who forced their newborn son to nurse from the family dog: Thank you!! I thought it was going to be just another typical Monday morning. You know, examining 4 year olds and finding anal warts encrusting their little rectums, watching 7 year old little Johnny masturbate the way that Daddy taught him to, and removing little Suzie from her home so Mommy wouldn't be able to put cigarettes out on her thighs anymore. Boring, run-of-the-mill stuff. Then you two beautiful people entered my life. Just in time, I might add! I was beginning to think that abusive parents were losing their sense of creativity. Silly me! What's that? Oh, I know it wasn't your fault. Of course not. No, I agree, formula IS really expensive these days. You're absolutely right, sir, it WOULD have been worse to just let the baby starve. Can I ask you just one question though? Do you think that maybe, just maybe, you could have used your WIC voucher to purchase some formula instead of selling it so you could buy a crack rock? Screw me, you say? Nope. SCREW YOU, you smarmy pile of rhino s*^%! Screw you and your crack whore "baby mama". Your child is coming with me! Merry Christmas! 2) The meth addict with Borderline Personality Disorder: Sweetie, here's a word of advice. When you are in the midst of a legal battle in which your parental rights are at stake, it is BAD for your case if you show up for your weekly supervised visits with your children spun out of your mind. Also, if you're going to have fresh track marks all over your arms, you should at least wear a long sleeve shirt so I can't see them. We talked about this before, remember? I have to write a report to the judge in a few months, and I can't in good conscience recommend that the court return your children to you when you insist on showing up to your weekly visits high as a kite, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and a toothless grin. Also, it does not help your case if you assault me after I inform you that no, you can't see your kids today due to your inebriated state and your exposed vulva. I know you grew up in poverty, and I sympathize with your plight. Hell, I was poor growing up. My family was broke. We lived in the projects and never had no cheese for our hamburgers or nuthin. Somehow, though, we still managed to find ourselves some PANTS when we went out IN PUBLIC! 3) The guy who cut his own penis off and left it sitting on the altar at the Catholic church: Dude, the psychiatrist gave you the Haldol for a reason. You should really try taking it every now and then. You're really gonna kick yourself when you come out of this particular episode and realize that your johnson has transubstantiated into the body of Christ. Look, I agree that the Catholic church did some messed up stuff back in the day, but was this really necessary? What exactly did you think you were going to prove? Oh I know, I know, the voices told you to do it. But if the voices told you to go jump off of a bridge, would you do it? Wait, forget I said that. 4) The crackhead mother with 27 cats: I called you in advance to set up our appointment. You KNEW I was going to be at your house that day and that I would be evaluating your progress in making your home habitable so that your kids could be returned to you. So why, oh why did you answer the door with a CRACK PIPE IN YOUR HAND???? Oh, it's not yours? You were just holding onto it for your neighbor? Sure, I'll buy that. Let me ask you something though. Are those your neighbor's cat turds overflowing in the kirchen sink? No, you're right, those litter boxes ARE expensive. Perhaps you should consider getting rid of a few of the cats so there will be room for your children. Just a thought. By the way, is that your neighbor's blood coagulating over there on the couch? 5) The crack addict who prostituted her 8 year old son to support her drug habit: Congratulations! You have just managed to turn me into a supporter of the death penalty! What's that? You're concerned about having your little boy placed in an abusive foster home? Oh don't worry, your son is fine, dear. He won't be going to a foster home after all. You see, we had to place him in an institution because he now likes to save his feces in plastic bags so he can use them as lubrication when he jacks off onto women's panties. He also tries to rape other children. What causes him to do such awful things, you ask? Well, I'm not sure dear, but I'll hazard a guess. I could be wrong, but perhaps his current behaviors have something to do with the fact that his MOTHER RENTED OUT HIS ASS TO HUNDREDS OF PEDOPHILES TO SUPPORT HER CRACK HABIT!!!! I'd love to beat you upside the head with a tire iron. I'd probably lose my license if I did that, though. 6) To the woman who didn't want her child to be adopted by those "faggots": It's so refreshing to meet a woman who cares so much about her child for once! You're right, honey. The Bible DOES say that homosexuals are an abomination to God. Tell me, what does the Bible say about punishing your toddler for crying by sticking him with your dirty syringe needles, thereby infecting him with HIV and hepatitis? I know the Bible says "spare the rod and spoil the child", but I don't remember anything about sparing infectious diseases and spoiling the child. Perhaps you were reading the New International Version? Incidentally, those two "faggots", as you call them, have a few important things to offer your child that you have neglected to provide. What can a couple of faggots offer YOUR child, you ask? Well, first and foremost, they have JOBS!!!! Yes, that's right, JOBS!!!!!!! These jobs provide them with a trivial little thing known as HEALTH INSURANCE, which will be used to cover the medical treatment your child has to receive for the diseases that YOU gave him. These abominations to God are also capable of providing something called a HOME THAT IS NOT INFECTED WITH LICE AND CRACK. Finally, and most importantly, they will give him something known as LOVE. Ever heard of it? Ok, I feel much better now. I think I might go back to school for an MBA or something. I'm tired of working to help these people for 60 hours a week at $35,000/year.

A Blog of No Consequence

It's been over a month since I posted! I have nothing grand to say, it just made me sad to think that I was falling farther and farther down the blog roll lists of my friends. A preview for the future: I will blog about selling my house (it's keeping me busy!) and about how my employer, Cascadia Behavioral Healthcare, is incompetent in almost every way. I need to do part two of the Hannukkah blog and sometime I will write something theological too.

I have been busy selling a house, trying to get people medical coverage, getting yelled at by demented clients (I don't mean demented as an insult, but as a diagnosis) and trying, though not succeeding, in putting together an older kids dealy for church. Poor me.

More Wise Words That Are Not my Own

"...life is a journey in a fallen world, where things are not the way they are supposed to be. Plans do not always go as expected. That for all of our sense of self-importance and control, we really have little management over the course of life—no more than a mariner has control of the sea."

-John Johnson (Village Pastor)

Scanning the Want Ads

I was just looking at some youth ministry positions because, well, I don't know why anymore. Anyway, I found some things I thought were interesting:

LIAR:
“We desire a relationally strong shepherd who loves students, families and leaders and wants to be part of a great team!”

Forgot to say that he needs to be young, have a wife that plays piano, enjoy basketball and football, know how to play silly games, and say “dude”

TOO MUCH:
“The successful candidate will have a college degree, preferably in Christian Education, Elementary or Early Childhood Education, a minimum of 5 years experience leading a children's ministry program, proven knowledge of curriculum methods and an impressive track record leading, recruiting, organizing and training multiple lay leadership teams.”

I’m wondering, all this for a part time position with almost no pay? Why would someone with all that experience be looking for such a position? Makes me nervous.

NOT ENOUGH:
“tolerance for kids and their parents”

Ha.

AMUSING:
“Title: Pastor or Director of Children’s Ministries. *Position title will be determined based upon experience, education and other demonstrated qualifications.”

Which one is holier? The pastor or the director?

UNDEFINABLE:
“Demonstrate the character traits of Jesus Christ”

Is your Jesus a Republican? A feminist? A Lutheran?

WOW:
“We invite all qualified male candidates from North America to apply”

No Africans allowed.

ANNOYING:
“Musical ability helpful”

Why?! Why must all associate positions include this in their qualifications?

CONTRADICTORY:
“Able to follow instructions of Pastor/Elders, Authentic/Real lifestyle”

What happens when I authentically disagree with the elders? Do you really want a Pastorbot?

Uh Oh continued

What was I talking about? Unexpected things. Yes. I don’t really know that I had any great point. I was just thinking about it. It reminds me of the way we are all surprised when something unfair happens, as if it has never happened before, as if the world was fair or somehow owed us fairness-none of which are true. We keep (well, at least I and many of my acquaintances) expecting everything to go as planned, even though the most consistent thing in life is inconsistency. I never expected massive brain farts that knock me out for days, I never expected Miranda to die, I wasn’t even really expecting India and I sure wasn’t expecting the last 15 months to be the way they were. But then again not all of the unexpected is bad. I never expected to be able to buy a house. I never expected that my unexpected child would be so very smart and cute. I never expected God to be, well, all that he is.

In The Last Battle, the last in the Narnia series, the characters, the heroes of this story, are set to do battle with villains that they almost certainly cannot defeat. In one scene they are afraid but determined to do what they know they must and their leader encourages them by saying (this is a paraphrase) “We rest between the lion’s paws, let us take the adventure Aslan has set before us.” I love that line; it is one of my favorite lines in all of literature. In the midst of all the unfairness, the unexpected events, the sorrow and the joy-everything, there is Aslan with his giant paws around us (or, in our world, God with his strong arms holding us). So with that in mind, let us take the adventure set before us.

Uh Oh

I JUST saw a commercial (interrupting Judge Joe Brown) telling me that epilepsy medication was linked to suicide and if I killed myself I ought to sue someone (or something like that). Litigation is fun.

Anyway, this whole epilepsy thing has got me thinking-I don't like having it. I've been dealing with it for years now, as in multiple and many, and it still surprised me that I have it. I suppose it's one of those "I never thought it would happen to me" sort of things. Does everyone have one of those? I suppose if everyone had something like that then maybe we wouldn't be so surprised when it happens. But, well, stuff happens.

Now that it has happened to me, it makes me worry what might happen next. How far will this go? What damage will it eventually do?

Of course this has been a week of unexpected and unplanned things. Ugg, my kid is trying to crawl through the cat door, more later.

Life isn't Fair

The closest brother in age to me is 5 years my senior. When we were growing up there were many things that he was able to do that I could not. For example, he was able to ride his bike quite a bit further than me. He was allowed to stay up later. He got to do everything first. Often times this was met with my cries of “Not fair!” Now that, in retrospect, was all perfectly fair. But certainly there were plenty of things in life, both as a child and now, that weren’t and aren’t fair. Often times our efforts to point this out are met with an all too obvious response that goes something like, “Well, life isn’t fair.” Of course it’s not fair. We all know that it’s not fair, and yet we still live life expecting it to be fair. We are still so surprised and offended when we don’t get the recognition we fairly deserve or when we are accused of something that we have not done. We still cry out for fairness even though we know it will not come.
But here’s the thing. Not only is life not fair, but God isn’t fair either, and we are so lucky that he is unfair! After all, it is certainly not fair that someone who lives a perfectly righteous life should be executed on a cross for my sins. It’s not fair that though I break the law I am still counted as righteous by God. It is not fair that I who use way too much of my portion (as if I actually had a portion I could claim as my own) of resources am still granted ever more blessings. Let us never ask God to be fair with us, for we could not handle it if he were.
So how do we handle it when life treats us unfairly? We remember that God has treated us even more unfairly and we are the better for it. I have a friend who, whenever he is asked how he is doing he replies, “Better than I deserve to be.” So true for us all.

Random Blog

HEALTHY DAY

I suck at eating healthy. I love chocolate too much. I really think there is something to the whole food addiction thing too. Yesterday was not a good day for Dan’s insides, but today is better. Today is salad and Sobe Lean. I’m still planning n that whole bowel cleansing thing too-I look forward to describing it to you.

LAST BIT ABOUT BOISE

My bad bathroom karma culminated in multiple attempts to use the facilities only to be thwarted by the toilet paper, or more specifically the lack thereof. I was finally rid of the bad karma when we went out to lunch with the Jillemiah Project and my lovely friend had to borrow the car to find a bathroom. It appears that I passed my bad karma off to her. Sorry about that.

I went arrowhead hunting with Jeremiah and found some nice treasure for my collection, which is nice because I would have been thoroughly disappointed had I spent an entire day in the sun taking baby steps while I stared at the ground and getting eaten by bugs only to come home empty handed. But my hands were not empty-they had a nice specimen of an arrowhead and another piece f obsidian that I really think showed some initial work as well as a piece of pottery that I have determined to be officially old (though not Native American). I also got some really cool rocks. We stopped in a small town with a population of about 2 and visited the store, which was in every way an old fashioned country store; it even sold the majority of its products from behind the counter. They happened to be filming a movie while we were there for an upcoming film festival. I think the most interesting bit of the trip was when we arrived in the town of Ola, which unlike the other town has a population of about 6. We went into the restaurant and found most of the residents there waiting for us. Well, maybe they weren’t actually waiting for us, but since everyone in the building stopped what they were doing to look at us it sure felt like it. We weren’t there for food (they only serve food on Thursdays anyway), we were there searching for a man named Bear. We were told that Bear was out chopping wood and given some very round-about directions on how to find him. But find him we did.

Bear is an interesting fella. We found him in the middle of nowhere camped out with three trucks, four dogs, a trailer, and a campfire that never went out. He was out there “choppin’ wood and trainin’ dogs” and had been there for some time. He wasn’t sure when he would be back, probably eight days or so. He thought the wife (who ran the restaurant) could use a break from him anyway. He invited us to sit down and we chatted for quite a while about the neat things he’d found and what he planned to do for the summer and so on. I called him ‘sir’ once, which offended him quite a bit. What really impressed me about Bear was that he was so hospitable and kind, even when he didn’t have to be. The man lives in a tiny town most of the year and in the wilderness for the rest of it. He seemed to have no real connection with the outside world and no desire for one. There was nothing to gain from befriending us or helping us find our treasure that day; if anything we were just getting in the way. It was refreshing to meet someone who was kind just because that’s the way he is.

Anyway, that’s the last bit about Boise I plan on writing on. I’ve forgotten everything else that happened anyhow.

Blog 3: Update, In Case You Care

HEALTHY DAY

The obesity epidemic. Is there anyone who is untouched by this savage disease? Ok, I don’t want to make fun of it too much, because it can be a horrible thing for some people, but seriously, we (the collective, American ‘we’) are killing ourselves of our own free will! And sadly, I am not immune. Like any lazy American I have declared that I will change my poor eating ways many times, only to fail miserably each time, after a day or a week. But today, today I try again! I have two more things going for me this time. First, I drank a glass of water and lemon juice this morning on an empty stomach to begin this bowel cleansing thing, and if I’m going to do something like that I dang well better be committed. Plus I drank tea with almost no sweetener. The second thing I have going for me is that I’m going to write about my progress here, and I know at least one person reads this so maybe I can be held accountable. Our country is dying from over-eating while other countries die for lack of food; somebody is going to have to pay for that someday and I don’t want it to be me.

SMOKING GUY

There’s this guy who lives across the alley from us who is a regular smoker. I know this because not only do I see him outside smoking on a regular basis but I also hear him. From any place in the house I can hear him coughing and hacking and coughing some more. And this happens at all hours of the day. ALL hours. Seriously, I think he must not have a job and I think that he must regulate his sleep patterns around his smoking habit; now that’s dedication. He has really annoyed me for a long time, and I really wanted to make some sort of snide comment about him the other day as I was putting my kid to bed when I had a reality check (my kid often provides me with a reality check). I wouldn’t want her to say what I was about to say (no, I don’t remember what it was I was about to say, only that I was embarrassed for having almost said it). Smoking man must have a pretty horrible life, out there smoking all the time. I wonder what it was that got him started doing this, and what it is that prevents him from stopping. I know some of the reasons, I’ve read the literature, but there is always more to it. Maybe some day I’ll be brave enough to talk to him.

BOISE TRIP

A few weeks back the fam and I took a trip to Boise. It was good fun and I promised everyone I would write about it, so here is an installment. We left at 3:30 in the freaking morning, or maybe 4:00, but at any rate we made it to Pendleton by 7:30 and had breakfast there (India slept until Pendleton-it was great). There was an old man sitting across from us whom India called “grandpa”, I think she probably made the guy’s day. The rest of the trip took quite a it longer, what with an awake toddler. At one rest stop I used the bathroom and refused to flush the toilet because I couldn’t stand the thought of touching it. This would be insignificant except that that was the start of bad bathroom karma (the only type of karma I believe in). But more on that later.

TODAY

I have no meetings today, I am excited. My hope is to organize the conference room for a MASSIVE meeting tomorrow. Plus I’m all excited about having this new blog. God just kicked me in the head again (seriously, just now). “What is it that I want you to learn from your coworkers? What am I trying to build in you? What part of me can you show them? And stop ignoring me when you’re at work!” I think that’s about what the kick was about.