Wicked Little Things

Yesterday I took my daughter to the little playground and the Clackamas Town Center mall. This has become somewhat of a tradition for us, as I don’t work Monday’s but Jenny almost always does. It is Daddy-Daughter Day, and so we look for fun things to do together. Often that means French fries and the aforementioned play structures.

Now, for someone looking to study the behaviors of parents and/or their children, the play structure at the mall (hence forth referred to has “the toys”) make an excellent learning environment. There are so many fascinating behaviors to be observed, speeches to be heard, and so on, but it is two things in particular that spur me to blogging this day, and they are two opposite extremes.

The first is the very small children. Specifically, the very small children that are allowed to wander about virtually (and sometimes literally) unattended by parents, who for some reason think these big toys provide some sort of magical protections against injuries and evils. A few weeks ago when we were there and I was waiting for my daughter to slide down the slide there was a little girl who was a bit overzealous in her climbing and took a bit of a tumble. Other than the slight violation of social moirés that took place when I caught her, I don’t mind helping out like that; I mean, were all parents with toddlers, right? One big, happy family? What I do mind is when I have to actively intervene to protect a child that somebody else should have been watching in the first place. I am not a busybody parent, I don’t make it my business to police the toys and in fact I try my best to stay out of whatever it is someone else’s kid is doing, so you know if I am intervening than things have come to a head. So, having said that, please parents, do not let your 6 month old sit at the bottom of the slide and get run into by child after child coming down it. Please don’t make me move my daughter, who is going about it the right way, so she won’t injure your kid, who is not. THAT REALLY IRRITATES ME.

On the other end of the really little kids are the really big ones. The worst violation of this I ever saw was a child and his friend who were somewhere between the ages of 10 and 12. Generally though this applies to the kids are about 4 or 5, still young enough to play on the toys, and darn well old enough to know how to play nicely. Listen, every kid is naughty sometimes. My daughter sometimes has to work very hard to repress her urge to hit, and sometimes she needs my help to do so. So I will not judge you if I see you stopping your sweet little boy from pushing and then pinching my kid; I will be grateful! I will be somewhat more judgmental as I watch your kid beat the snot out of other little kids and shout about how the slide is his personal property all while you remains blissfully absorbed in your book or on your cell phone. My daughter, who is not yet two, made her way up the stairs to the slide a happy little girl, and by the time I made it around the other side to cheer her on she was in tears as some older boy was pushing her out of the way. She actually isn’t that big of a crier, this kid was making some sort of point, I think. We got through that, and to her credit she responded by reminding another group of kids not to push when the really little kid, who I mentioned earlier, decided to try his luck with the slide. That was much better than my reaction. Right after she was pushed several times I told her that next time she could punch him in the face. I should work on that, probably.

Moral of the story: parent your child, don’t make me do it, because I am not nearly as good with your kid as I am with mine.

I Work for A.I.G.!

I heard there was a recession
But I ain’t felt a thing
That’s why I fly
On my private jet
And wear this hidden bling

I work for A.I.G.!
Yeah you know me!
I work for A.I.G.!
Let’s throw a party!

My maid, she has been crying
Says she can’t feed her child
I had to let her go
Cause don’t you know
Her emotions were too wild

I work for A.I.G.!
Yeah you know me!
I work for A.I.G.!
Do you see me?

I heard my company’s tankin’
But that’s ok, I found a chump
Hey Uncle Sam,
Could you lend me hand?
And get me over this financial hump?

I work for A.I.G.!
Yeah you know me!
I work for A.I.G.!
So give me more money!

They said there was a ruckus
Up on Capital Hill
But I never saw a thing
(cha ching!)
Except my stimulus bill!

I work for A.I.G.!
Yeah you know me!
I work for A.I.G.!
Gimme my bonus please!

Can't Think of What to Write, So I'll Let Them do it:

"The thing I have to work on in myself is this issue of belief. Gandhi believed Jesus when He said to turn the other cheek. Gandhi brought down the British Empire, deeply injured the caste system, and changed the world. Mother Teresa believed Jesus when He said everybody was priceless, even the ugly ones, the smelly ones, and Mother Theresa changed the world by showing them that a human being can be selfless. Peter finally believed the gospel after he got yelled at by Paul. Peter and Paul changed the world by starting small churches in godless towns." – Don Miller

"I mean that to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people. That is why God tells us so many times to love each other." – Don Miller

"The church has been preoccupied with the question, "What happens to your soul after you die?" As if the reason for Jesus coming can be summed up in, "Jesus is trying to help get more souls into heaven, as opposed to hell, after they die." I just think a fair reading of the Gospels blows that out of the water. I don't think that the entire message and life of Jesus can be boiled down to that bottom line." – Brian McLaren

"My goal is to destroy Christianity as a world religion and be a recatalyst for the movement of Jesus Christ," –Erwin McManus

“I think it is worth saying again that theology is not the same as the story of God. Far too often, in my opinion, this becomes an issue, and when one disagrees with our theology, we can too easily assume they have abandoned Scripture or the story of God. Theology is explanatory - answering certain questions or addressing certain issues. But it must never be confused with the life of God or the story of God” – Doug Pagitt

"Too much debate about scriptural authority has had the form of people hitting one another with locked suitcases. It is time to unpack our shorthand doctrines, to lay them out and inspect them. Long years in a suitcase may have made some of the contents go moldy. They will benefit from fresh air, and perhaps a hot iron." – N.T. Wright

This is probably my favorite of the group:

"The point of following Jesus isn’t simply so that we can be sure of going to a better place than this after we die. Our future beyond death is enormously important, but the nature of the Christian hope is such that it plays back into the present life. We’re called, here and now, to be instruments of God’s new creation, the world-put-to-rights, which has already been launched in Jesus and of which Jesus’ followers are supposed to be not simply beneficiaries but also agents." – N.T. Wright

Dinner for Two

Drinks at this resteruant were around $4.00 each. A minimally decent tip would be $13.00, which makes this dinner $60.00 per person. OR you can buy this stuff on sale at Safeway and have the same dinner for about $7.00-$10.00 per person. I'm just saying...

I've Gone Mental

So I’m not feeling overly creative today, so I am stealing stuff from other people and posting it here as my own (except that I just told you it wasn’t my own). I did, however, make several tweaks to the two things below. The first I tweaked so it would fit my context better, and the second one I tweaked because it was one NASTY rant, but illustrative of my point none-the-less.

How you KNOW I work in the mental health field:

You dream of a $35,000 a year salary, because that’s when you’ll know you’re 'really making it'.

You know all the latest lingo for drugs, where to get them, and how much they cost.

You start every sentence with 'So what I hear you saying is...'

You’ve had 2 or more jobs at one time just to pay the bills.

You tell people what you do and they say 'that's so noble' Except for clients, who think you just want their money (ha!).

You know a man who once held his penis in his hand, because he didn’t want it attached to anything else (and this seems perfectly reasonable to him).

You write ‘masturbation contracts’ for those that still have it attached.

You use the words 'validate,' 'appropriate' and 'intervention' daily.

You spend more than half your day documenting and doing paperwork.

You think nothing of discussing child abuse and the various used of poop over dinner.

People have said to you 'I don't know how you do what you do’ (and secretly you wonder the same thing).

You’ve never been on a business trip or had an expense account.

You’re coworkers sometimes rock back a forth and say ‘release me.’

You’re very familiar with the concept of entitlement.

Staying at a job for 2 years is 'a long time'.

Your phone number is unlisted for good reason.

Your professional newsletters always have articles about raising salaries...but you still haven't seen it.

You’re very familiar with the term 'budget cut'.

You can't imagine working at a bank or crunching numbers all day.

You’ve had clients who liked you just a little too much.

Having lunch is a luxury many days.

You’ve been cursed at or threatened...and it doesn't bother you.

Your job orientation has included self defense.

You have the best stories at any party, and some people walk away thinking you’re a liar because nobody could be that crazy or abused.

Your parents don't know half of the stuff that you've dealt with at your job.

You know how to pass any drug test.

You go to court to face off against a client with no judgment and his/her lawyer with no heart and it hurts every time, but you still do it.

Anytime someone’s kid does something weird you hear about it because they want you to fix it.

You’ve looked at another human being and truly wondered if they were, in fact, human.

*******

This I just found online by happenstance the other day. I think it was a Craigslist ‘rant.’ Again, I cleaned it up a bit (a lot). This is really borderline postable, if that’s a word, but really, people need to know:

After years of idealism, I have finally decided that I am sick and tired of helping the disenfranchised and oppressed. I have a master's degree in social work, and I've worked in a number of different settings. I've been a social worker for Children's Protective Services, a therapist on a psych ward, and I've worked as a case manager for a non-profit that shall remain nameless. I've had a number of clients over the years that I would now like to thank for helping me come to the realization that certain people are beyond help. 1) The mother and father who forced their newborn son to nurse from the family dog: Thank you!! I thought it was going to be just another typical Monday morning. You know, examining 4 year olds and finding anal warts encrusting their little rectums, watching 7 year old little Johnny masturbate the way that Daddy taught him to, and removing little Suzie from her home so Mommy wouldn't be able to put cigarettes out on her thighs anymore. Boring, run-of-the-mill stuff. Then you two beautiful people entered my life. Just in time, I might add! I was beginning to think that abusive parents were losing their sense of creativity. Silly me! What's that? Oh, I know it wasn't your fault. Of course not. No, I agree, formula IS really expensive these days. You're absolutely right, sir, it WOULD have been worse to just let the baby starve. Can I ask you just one question though? Do you think that maybe, just maybe, you could have used your WIC voucher to purchase some formula instead of selling it so you could buy a crack rock? Screw me, you say? Nope. SCREW YOU, you smarmy pile of rhino s*^%! Screw you and your crack whore "baby mama". Your child is coming with me! Merry Christmas! 2) The meth addict with Borderline Personality Disorder: Sweetie, here's a word of advice. When you are in the midst of a legal battle in which your parental rights are at stake, it is BAD for your case if you show up for your weekly supervised visits with your children spun out of your mind. Also, if you're going to have fresh track marks all over your arms, you should at least wear a long sleeve shirt so I can't see them. We talked about this before, remember? I have to write a report to the judge in a few months, and I can't in good conscience recommend that the court return your children to you when you insist on showing up to your weekly visits high as a kite, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and a toothless grin. Also, it does not help your case if you assault me after I inform you that no, you can't see your kids today due to your inebriated state and your exposed vulva. I know you grew up in poverty, and I sympathize with your plight. Hell, I was poor growing up. My family was broke. We lived in the projects and never had no cheese for our hamburgers or nuthin. Somehow, though, we still managed to find ourselves some PANTS when we went out IN PUBLIC! 3) The guy who cut his own penis off and left it sitting on the altar at the Catholic church: Dude, the psychiatrist gave you the Haldol for a reason. You should really try taking it every now and then. You're really gonna kick yourself when you come out of this particular episode and realize that your johnson has transubstantiated into the body of Christ. Look, I agree that the Catholic church did some messed up stuff back in the day, but was this really necessary? What exactly did you think you were going to prove? Oh I know, I know, the voices told you to do it. But if the voices told you to go jump off of a bridge, would you do it? Wait, forget I said that. 4) The crackhead mother with 27 cats: I called you in advance to set up our appointment. You KNEW I was going to be at your house that day and that I would be evaluating your progress in making your home habitable so that your kids could be returned to you. So why, oh why did you answer the door with a CRACK PIPE IN YOUR HAND???? Oh, it's not yours? You were just holding onto it for your neighbor? Sure, I'll buy that. Let me ask you something though. Are those your neighbor's cat turds overflowing in the kirchen sink? No, you're right, those litter boxes ARE expensive. Perhaps you should consider getting rid of a few of the cats so there will be room for your children. Just a thought. By the way, is that your neighbor's blood coagulating over there on the couch? 5) The crack addict who prostituted her 8 year old son to support her drug habit: Congratulations! You have just managed to turn me into a supporter of the death penalty! What's that? You're concerned about having your little boy placed in an abusive foster home? Oh don't worry, your son is fine, dear. He won't be going to a foster home after all. You see, we had to place him in an institution because he now likes to save his feces in plastic bags so he can use them as lubrication when he jacks off onto women's panties. He also tries to rape other children. What causes him to do such awful things, you ask? Well, I'm not sure dear, but I'll hazard a guess. I could be wrong, but perhaps his current behaviors have something to do with the fact that his MOTHER RENTED OUT HIS ASS TO HUNDREDS OF PEDOPHILES TO SUPPORT HER CRACK HABIT!!!! I'd love to beat you upside the head with a tire iron. I'd probably lose my license if I did that, though. 6) To the woman who didn't want her child to be adopted by those "faggots": It's so refreshing to meet a woman who cares so much about her child for once! You're right, honey. The Bible DOES say that homosexuals are an abomination to God. Tell me, what does the Bible say about punishing your toddler for crying by sticking him with your dirty syringe needles, thereby infecting him with HIV and hepatitis? I know the Bible says "spare the rod and spoil the child", but I don't remember anything about sparing infectious diseases and spoiling the child. Perhaps you were reading the New International Version? Incidentally, those two "faggots", as you call them, have a few important things to offer your child that you have neglected to provide. What can a couple of faggots offer YOUR child, you ask? Well, first and foremost, they have JOBS!!!! Yes, that's right, JOBS!!!!!!! These jobs provide them with a trivial little thing known as HEALTH INSURANCE, which will be used to cover the medical treatment your child has to receive for the diseases that YOU gave him. These abominations to God are also capable of providing something called a HOME THAT IS NOT INFECTED WITH LICE AND CRACK. Finally, and most importantly, they will give him something known as LOVE. Ever heard of it? Ok, I feel much better now. I think I might go back to school for an MBA or something. I'm tired of working to help these people for 60 hours a week at $35,000/year.