I've Gone Mental

So I’m not feeling overly creative today, so I am stealing stuff from other people and posting it here as my own (except that I just told you it wasn’t my own). I did, however, make several tweaks to the two things below. The first I tweaked so it would fit my context better, and the second one I tweaked because it was one NASTY rant, but illustrative of my point none-the-less.

How you KNOW I work in the mental health field:

You dream of a $35,000 a year salary, because that’s when you’ll know you’re 'really making it'.

You know all the latest lingo for drugs, where to get them, and how much they cost.

You start every sentence with 'So what I hear you saying is...'

You’ve had 2 or more jobs at one time just to pay the bills.

You tell people what you do and they say 'that's so noble' Except for clients, who think you just want their money (ha!).

You know a man who once held his penis in his hand, because he didn’t want it attached to anything else (and this seems perfectly reasonable to him).

You write ‘masturbation contracts’ for those that still have it attached.

You use the words 'validate,' 'appropriate' and 'intervention' daily.

You spend more than half your day documenting and doing paperwork.

You think nothing of discussing child abuse and the various used of poop over dinner.

People have said to you 'I don't know how you do what you do’ (and secretly you wonder the same thing).

You’ve never been on a business trip or had an expense account.

You’re coworkers sometimes rock back a forth and say ‘release me.’

You’re very familiar with the concept of entitlement.

Staying at a job for 2 years is 'a long time'.

Your phone number is unlisted for good reason.

Your professional newsletters always have articles about raising salaries...but you still haven't seen it.

You’re very familiar with the term 'budget cut'.

You can't imagine working at a bank or crunching numbers all day.

You’ve had clients who liked you just a little too much.

Having lunch is a luxury many days.

You’ve been cursed at or threatened...and it doesn't bother you.

Your job orientation has included self defense.

You have the best stories at any party, and some people walk away thinking you’re a liar because nobody could be that crazy or abused.

Your parents don't know half of the stuff that you've dealt with at your job.

You know how to pass any drug test.

You go to court to face off against a client with no judgment and his/her lawyer with no heart and it hurts every time, but you still do it.

Anytime someone’s kid does something weird you hear about it because they want you to fix it.

You’ve looked at another human being and truly wondered if they were, in fact, human.

*******

This I just found online by happenstance the other day. I think it was a Craigslist ‘rant.’ Again, I cleaned it up a bit (a lot). This is really borderline postable, if that’s a word, but really, people need to know:

After years of idealism, I have finally decided that I am sick and tired of helping the disenfranchised and oppressed. I have a master's degree in social work, and I've worked in a number of different settings. I've been a social worker for Children's Protective Services, a therapist on a psych ward, and I've worked as a case manager for a non-profit that shall remain nameless. I've had a number of clients over the years that I would now like to thank for helping me come to the realization that certain people are beyond help. 1) The mother and father who forced their newborn son to nurse from the family dog: Thank you!! I thought it was going to be just another typical Monday morning. You know, examining 4 year olds and finding anal warts encrusting their little rectums, watching 7 year old little Johnny masturbate the way that Daddy taught him to, and removing little Suzie from her home so Mommy wouldn't be able to put cigarettes out on her thighs anymore. Boring, run-of-the-mill stuff. Then you two beautiful people entered my life. Just in time, I might add! I was beginning to think that abusive parents were losing their sense of creativity. Silly me! What's that? Oh, I know it wasn't your fault. Of course not. No, I agree, formula IS really expensive these days. You're absolutely right, sir, it WOULD have been worse to just let the baby starve. Can I ask you just one question though? Do you think that maybe, just maybe, you could have used your WIC voucher to purchase some formula instead of selling it so you could buy a crack rock? Screw me, you say? Nope. SCREW YOU, you smarmy pile of rhino s*^%! Screw you and your crack whore "baby mama". Your child is coming with me! Merry Christmas! 2) The meth addict with Borderline Personality Disorder: Sweetie, here's a word of advice. When you are in the midst of a legal battle in which your parental rights are at stake, it is BAD for your case if you show up for your weekly supervised visits with your children spun out of your mind. Also, if you're going to have fresh track marks all over your arms, you should at least wear a long sleeve shirt so I can't see them. We talked about this before, remember? I have to write a report to the judge in a few months, and I can't in good conscience recommend that the court return your children to you when you insist on showing up to your weekly visits high as a kite, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and a toothless grin. Also, it does not help your case if you assault me after I inform you that no, you can't see your kids today due to your inebriated state and your exposed vulva. I know you grew up in poverty, and I sympathize with your plight. Hell, I was poor growing up. My family was broke. We lived in the projects and never had no cheese for our hamburgers or nuthin. Somehow, though, we still managed to find ourselves some PANTS when we went out IN PUBLIC! 3) The guy who cut his own penis off and left it sitting on the altar at the Catholic church: Dude, the psychiatrist gave you the Haldol for a reason. You should really try taking it every now and then. You're really gonna kick yourself when you come out of this particular episode and realize that your johnson has transubstantiated into the body of Christ. Look, I agree that the Catholic church did some messed up stuff back in the day, but was this really necessary? What exactly did you think you were going to prove? Oh I know, I know, the voices told you to do it. But if the voices told you to go jump off of a bridge, would you do it? Wait, forget I said that. 4) The crackhead mother with 27 cats: I called you in advance to set up our appointment. You KNEW I was going to be at your house that day and that I would be evaluating your progress in making your home habitable so that your kids could be returned to you. So why, oh why did you answer the door with a CRACK PIPE IN YOUR HAND???? Oh, it's not yours? You were just holding onto it for your neighbor? Sure, I'll buy that. Let me ask you something though. Are those your neighbor's cat turds overflowing in the kirchen sink? No, you're right, those litter boxes ARE expensive. Perhaps you should consider getting rid of a few of the cats so there will be room for your children. Just a thought. By the way, is that your neighbor's blood coagulating over there on the couch? 5) The crack addict who prostituted her 8 year old son to support her drug habit: Congratulations! You have just managed to turn me into a supporter of the death penalty! What's that? You're concerned about having your little boy placed in an abusive foster home? Oh don't worry, your son is fine, dear. He won't be going to a foster home after all. You see, we had to place him in an institution because he now likes to save his feces in plastic bags so he can use them as lubrication when he jacks off onto women's panties. He also tries to rape other children. What causes him to do such awful things, you ask? Well, I'm not sure dear, but I'll hazard a guess. I could be wrong, but perhaps his current behaviors have something to do with the fact that his MOTHER RENTED OUT HIS ASS TO HUNDREDS OF PEDOPHILES TO SUPPORT HER CRACK HABIT!!!! I'd love to beat you upside the head with a tire iron. I'd probably lose my license if I did that, though. 6) To the woman who didn't want her child to be adopted by those "faggots": It's so refreshing to meet a woman who cares so much about her child for once! You're right, honey. The Bible DOES say that homosexuals are an abomination to God. Tell me, what does the Bible say about punishing your toddler for crying by sticking him with your dirty syringe needles, thereby infecting him with HIV and hepatitis? I know the Bible says "spare the rod and spoil the child", but I don't remember anything about sparing infectious diseases and spoiling the child. Perhaps you were reading the New International Version? Incidentally, those two "faggots", as you call them, have a few important things to offer your child that you have neglected to provide. What can a couple of faggots offer YOUR child, you ask? Well, first and foremost, they have JOBS!!!! Yes, that's right, JOBS!!!!!!! These jobs provide them with a trivial little thing known as HEALTH INSURANCE, which will be used to cover the medical treatment your child has to receive for the diseases that YOU gave him. These abominations to God are also capable of providing something called a HOME THAT IS NOT INFECTED WITH LICE AND CRACK. Finally, and most importantly, they will give him something known as LOVE. Ever heard of it? Ok, I feel much better now. I think I might go back to school for an MBA or something. I'm tired of working to help these people for 60 hours a week at $35,000/year.

Scanning the Want Ads

I was just looking at some youth ministry positions because, well, I don't know why anymore. Anyway, I found some things I thought were interesting:

LIAR:
“We desire a relationally strong shepherd who loves students, families and leaders and wants to be part of a great team!”

Forgot to say that he needs to be young, have a wife that plays piano, enjoy basketball and football, know how to play silly games, and say “dude”

TOO MUCH:
“The successful candidate will have a college degree, preferably in Christian Education, Elementary or Early Childhood Education, a minimum of 5 years experience leading a children's ministry program, proven knowledge of curriculum methods and an impressive track record leading, recruiting, organizing and training multiple lay leadership teams.”

I’m wondering, all this for a part time position with almost no pay? Why would someone with all that experience be looking for such a position? Makes me nervous.

NOT ENOUGH:
“tolerance for kids and their parents”

Ha.

AMUSING:
“Title: Pastor or Director of Children’s Ministries. *Position title will be determined based upon experience, education and other demonstrated qualifications.”

Which one is holier? The pastor or the director?

UNDEFINABLE:
“Demonstrate the character traits of Jesus Christ”

Is your Jesus a Republican? A feminist? A Lutheran?

WOW:
“We invite all qualified male candidates from North America to apply”

No Africans allowed.

ANNOYING:
“Musical ability helpful”

Why?! Why must all associate positions include this in their qualifications?

CONTRADICTORY:
“Able to follow instructions of Pastor/Elders, Authentic/Real lifestyle”

What happens when I authentically disagree with the elders? Do you really want a Pastorbot?

Random Thoughts on the Church and Crazy People

Ugg! I have tried to write for a long time now, but I am having blogger’s bloc. To try and combat that I figured I would just sit at the computer and babble (or whatever the equivalent of babbling is when typing) and see what comes out.

There are two things that have been on my mind lately. The first thing is the church (not that this is anything new, “church” is always on my mind), or more specifically, the emerging church. Two observations on this: First, I am not an expert on the emerging church. Though I am trying to become more educated, reading various e-zines and blogs both for and against (I would read the books but then I would have to pay for them) and chatting with whoever will chat about such things. Still, owing in part I think to the “emerging” and therefore changing and morphing nature of the emerging church, I am no expert. The other thing I have discovered in my studies so far (this is observation number two) is that nobody else seems to be either. Ok, let me back off that a bit. There are people who seem to know their stuff, but I have rarely found anyone who is able or willing to do an even-handed treatment of the movement. I see a lot of finger pointing from the more traditional camps, almost all of which is inaccurate in substance. On the other hand, a lot from the emerging movement is doing the same thing, blaming any spokesman of the traditional church they can find for the various ills therein.

This is not unique to the emerging/not emerging groups. When I was in college we spent a lot of time making fun of the “ridiculous” theological positions of the Calvinists and arming ourselves against the liberals. When I got to seminary I found a group of Calvinists predetermined to defeat my Arminian viewpoints. The mental image I have of all this is a bunch of wannabe theologians standing with their backs to each other, pointing at the various differences, or more often the caricatures of the differences, when what they should be doing is facing each other and pointing at the similarities that bind us. It’s not as if this a new thought to anyone, it’s just been bugging me (again) lately.

Here is the other thing on my mind these days: Mary (I made that name up, it’s not her real name). “Mary” is a client that we discharged last week. She had been previously court committed to mental health treatment, but the commitment was dropped and she chose to leave our facility and return to the drug infested, nasty little home she was in before, living with her mom who is not much higher functioning than Mary is herself. I have spent the better part of my time for the last few weeks trying to secure the girl services, make sure she is taking her medications, make sure she isn’t using drugs or prostituting herself, and a myriad of other things that fully functioning individuals don’t really think about, the just do it as a matter of course. I am frustrated that it is so hard for Mary to get services, I am frustrated that the people that are supposed to help her are saying they don’t have the time or resources to do the job (like I do?!). I am frustrated that we live in a society that buys $4.00 lattes but lets its mentally ill waste away, pleasantly out of sight.

I am frustrated that the church is wasting its energy calling each other names instead of stepping up to the plate and taking care of the vulnerable, the disenfranchised, and the outcast. I am frustrated that it feels like all I can do is be frustrated.

Snippet: Ooops

Well, I did have a meeting today. Luckily I wore some shorts that used to be pants but I cut all uneven and this wierd but kinda cool t-shirt that is iteself not altogether whole. Oh well. And I can't clean out the conference room cause there's something happening in there and it involved key-lime pie. Why would anyone want to involve key-lime pie?

Blog 3: Update, In Case You Care

HEALTHY DAY

The obesity epidemic. Is there anyone who is untouched by this savage disease? Ok, I don’t want to make fun of it too much, because it can be a horrible thing for some people, but seriously, we (the collective, American ‘we’) are killing ourselves of our own free will! And sadly, I am not immune. Like any lazy American I have declared that I will change my poor eating ways many times, only to fail miserably each time, after a day or a week. But today, today I try again! I have two more things going for me this time. First, I drank a glass of water and lemon juice this morning on an empty stomach to begin this bowel cleansing thing, and if I’m going to do something like that I dang well better be committed. Plus I drank tea with almost no sweetener. The second thing I have going for me is that I’m going to write about my progress here, and I know at least one person reads this so maybe I can be held accountable. Our country is dying from over-eating while other countries die for lack of food; somebody is going to have to pay for that someday and I don’t want it to be me.

SMOKING GUY

There’s this guy who lives across the alley from us who is a regular smoker. I know this because not only do I see him outside smoking on a regular basis but I also hear him. From any place in the house I can hear him coughing and hacking and coughing some more. And this happens at all hours of the day. ALL hours. Seriously, I think he must not have a job and I think that he must regulate his sleep patterns around his smoking habit; now that’s dedication. He has really annoyed me for a long time, and I really wanted to make some sort of snide comment about him the other day as I was putting my kid to bed when I had a reality check (my kid often provides me with a reality check). I wouldn’t want her to say what I was about to say (no, I don’t remember what it was I was about to say, only that I was embarrassed for having almost said it). Smoking man must have a pretty horrible life, out there smoking all the time. I wonder what it was that got him started doing this, and what it is that prevents him from stopping. I know some of the reasons, I’ve read the literature, but there is always more to it. Maybe some day I’ll be brave enough to talk to him.

BOISE TRIP

A few weeks back the fam and I took a trip to Boise. It was good fun and I promised everyone I would write about it, so here is an installment. We left at 3:30 in the freaking morning, or maybe 4:00, but at any rate we made it to Pendleton by 7:30 and had breakfast there (India slept until Pendleton-it was great). There was an old man sitting across from us whom India called “grandpa”, I think she probably made the guy’s day. The rest of the trip took quite a it longer, what with an awake toddler. At one rest stop I used the bathroom and refused to flush the toilet because I couldn’t stand the thought of touching it. This would be insignificant except that that was the start of bad bathroom karma (the only type of karma I believe in). But more on that later.

TODAY

I have no meetings today, I am excited. My hope is to organize the conference room for a MASSIVE meeting tomorrow. Plus I’m all excited about having this new blog. God just kicked me in the head again (seriously, just now). “What is it that I want you to learn from your coworkers? What am I trying to build in you? What part of me can you show them? And stop ignoring me when you’re at work!” I think that’s about what the kick was about.