Announcing my Candidacy!

I would like to take this opportunity to announce my candidacy for President of the United States in the 2016 elections. I realize that it is a little early to make the announcement, but I anticipate several hurdles along the way that will take some time and creativity to overcome, so I am starting now. I am running as an independent and am not a member of any political party, though I welcome the endorsements of all of them so long as they can support my platform. Let me give you an outline of what I envision the Stults administration to look like:

-> I will be nobody’s bi---! As I am not affiliated with a party and no Political Action Committee or special interest group is likely to take a risk on me I will be indebted to no one!

-> Shooting people is bad! I don’t think people in our country should shoot each other, so I will put a stop to it. I think using our words is better than using our weapons with other countries, and I don’t want people from other countries to shoot us (If I have to shoot them I will, but not until we sit down and talk about it like grown ups).

-> If you can afford to pay more taxes then I’m gonna make you. If you can’t afford to pay then I’ll back off.

-> I like to drink clean water and breathe clean air, so that will b e a priority.

-> I know you can’t afford health insurance (I can’t either!), so as president I’ll make the insurance agencies and the HMO’s stop being so greedy and start taking care of people, and if you can’t afford your medicine I’ll let you buy it from Canada!

-> Speaking of Canada, let’s invade! No, scratch that.

-> Did you know that most of those legislators are rich? Yeah, I’m going to take away their salaries and a lot of their perks.

-> I think torture is bad.

-> I hate dealing with problems! So I’m going to hire a lot of people who are good at preventing problems.

-> I think kids should be smart! In my administration, we’ll implement education policies that allow teachers to teach kids the way they learn best (hint: it isn’t sitting in desks in neat rows).

-> My campaign is grassroots cause I have no money! Therefore, I will influence politics in America such that the “little guy” has more of a voice and the wealthy power houses can shut the he— up.

-> There are no topless pictures of me on the internet.

Well, that’s what I have so far. Eight years is going to go quicker than we think, so let’s all be ready!