Community is Hard

Jenny, India and I were able to be a part of Evergreen’s first “combined gathering” the other day. We didn’t get to hear any of the teaching as we were with the kids, but I assume it was brilliant. The house was rather brilliant too; I covet it now and am plotting ways to make it my own. While we were working with the children someone had the idea that we should read a story about baptism to all the wee ones so that they might understand a little bit better what was going on (incidentally, I wrote about baptism on my theology blog-I can’t remember if what was any good). I thought the baptism story was an excellent idea, but as it turns out our little book didn’t have any stories about baptism so I was left to tell the story of Jesus being baptized by John and hope I didn’t mess up lest hellfire and brimstone rain down. I’m pretty sure I didn’t mess up. When I got to the part about the Holy Spirit descending on Jesus one small child, for whatever reason, thrust his shark toy into the air prompting Jenny to add “in the form of a shark.” I denounced her as a heretic and was ready to continue the story but my momentum was gone so we just let it sit. I think they learned something.

I was really quite comfortable, if a little bit worn out, working with the children. It was the lunch afterword with everybody that was difficult. India, my little extraverted, unencumbered, uninhibited, totally independent daughter went everywhere and talked to many a person while my lunch lay lingering in the grass unappreciated and uneaten. Victoria graciously agreed to watch her for a while, but that lasted about ten minutes (I can’t blame the kid, it’s just that I was so looking forward to finishing my hot dog while it was warm). So off we went again, India talking to everybody, hitting a few of them, and me being my little introverted self. I am an introvert, which means I hate people. Ok, no it doesn’t, but one of the implications IS that I am not all giddy about being in a big group and I am not naturally inclined to seek out someone to talk to. I LOVE the idea of community, love it, love it, love it-I just can’t seem to DO it.

We are not meant to go it alone-even I don’t want to be completely alone. God is in community with himself (that whole Trinity thing) which leads me to believe that part of our desire for relationships is based on that image of God inside of us, the image of the inherently relational God, desiring to be with others. The church that Jesus built began as community-11 men and their ladies (or whatever) began as a community. It grew as a community. Evangelicalism has talked about community forever, but they haven’t gotten over the prevailing culture of privacy, independence, and consumerism; and I know that part of what makes Evergreen work, part of that something that I can’t quite put a finger on, is that there is authentic community.

Now I just have to try and be a part of it. Part of the problem is that I just can’t believe that anyone actually cares to have me; it’s this prevailing thought in my head, a voice that keeps whispering to me every time I try to approach someone. So I find a clever way to overcome it-I use my kid. She’s cute, she evokes smiles, and she’s a total chic magnet. Seriously, if I rely on her too much I find myself in the house with the girls talking about weddings and learning how to crochet while the men-folk are outside engaging in the macho sport of wiffle ball.

So I decide to be brave. I will leave the living room and venture to the yard and take my turn at bat. Out of five throws I manage to hit one, but it doesn’t roll very far. The eleven year old is better than me. Traumatic moments of middle school are rushing into my head. The people I am with this time are certainly nicer than middle-schoolers, but they look no less disappointed. Maybe I’ll go back and sit with the girls. Part of my brain realizes that all of the above is not nearly so dramatic in real life, but the other part really isn’t pleased with me for challenging its reality, but I digress…

Right after the Evergreen potluck (I did finally get to eat some food) we went to another potluck with some in-laws. I felt more-or-less comfortable there. I didn’t say much, but I’m the guy who doesn’t say much so it wasn’t a big deal. People asked about work and I asked people about whatever it was that I was aware of in their life. We ate, we hung out. Some of the people there I liked a lot, some not as much. I was proud of some, disappointed with others. People held my kid, I held other people’s kids (well, one kid). Community. It took me about 10 years to fit in like that with these people and I still have my insecurities.

I don’t want it to take 10 years to fit in at Evergreen. It’s already been a couple of years, but those were the most abnormal years of my life, so I don’t think they should count if that’s alright with everyone else. Don’t expect me to be all social butterfly, because that’s never going to happen (?) but I’ll try and say hello the next time I see you. Ask me about my kid, that will help a lot, but please, let’s not talk about crocheting.